


because he felt so safe with barba

by dogsbreath



Category: Law & Order: SVU
Genre: Angst, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Episode: s22e04 Sightless in a Savage Land, Goodbyes, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, goodbye kiss
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-03-08
Updated: 2021-03-08
Packaged: 2021-03-14 07:40:11
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,179
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29913594
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/dogsbreath/pseuds/dogsbreath
Summary: “I... I want to be ready.” He murmurs, eyes squeezed shut.“But you’re not.” He whispers, “Not yet.
Relationships: Rafael Barba/Dominick "Sonny" Carisi Jr.
Comments: 4
Kudos: 33





	because he felt so safe with barba

“let’s see if you learned anything.” Barba grins, winking at him. Sonny smiles slightly, eyes following him as he continues down the steps. 

His chest hurt, it had since the first time he’d seen Rafael. Had since Rafael showed up in his (pitiful excuse for a) office, and Sonny’s had to try and find a way to wade through forgotten emotions and phantom touches at the sight of him. 

He takes a few steps down, closer to Rafael, and calls out his name softly. It had been three years, and Sonny still felt like he was going to drown in the memories and emotions. 

He no longer had that safe space that Rafael had given him, no longer had that place where he could let his emotions loose and bare ugly truths and violent feelings. 

Rafael had been that place, had given him that. And Rafael had left him. 

Rafael turns around at the raspy call of his name. He gentles completely, because while it had been three years, every part of his body was still very attuned to Sonny and his emotional state. They operated on the same frequency, born from their little affair. Sonny only ever let his defences down around Rafael, and Rafael only ever let his ugly emotions show around Sonny. 

It feels like a punch in the chest to watch Sonny struggle against the urge to let him in. To watch as every part of Sonny wanted so desperately to have him back, to let him see all the ugly monsters that lived inside him, fight against Sonny’s logical defence mechanism.

But Sonny wants to. Wants to let him in, wants to show him all the big violent emotions that been born from all his decisions and feelings. Wants to ignore the hurt that throbs violently with the beat of his heart. 

Rafael can see it, can see almost everything in his eyes (three years and he still knew how to read him like a book. three years and nothing changed). Rafael can also see the hurt he’d caused, and he knows he hurt Sonny badly. 

It’s his biggest regret, but he knows that saying it won’t do either of them any good. 

Sonny takes another step forward, and Rafael takes a half step back. Sonny wants — _needs_ him. Needs him to help him sort everything out. But it’s not Rafaels place, not anymore. No matter how much both of them want him to be the one to wipe away his tears and see the ugly monsters that call themselves fear and grief and regret. 

Sonny is struggling to get the words out of his mouth. Struggling to tell him that it is his place, it’s always been his place, and it’s always going to be his place, because no one could ever fill up the hole and the empty spaces like he could. Because no one could ever calm the monsters and put them to sleep the way he could. Because no one could ever love him the way Rafael did — the way Rafael _does._

They’re stuck in his mouth like thick honey. Making his mouth dry and barring him from letting it all spill out right there on the courtyard steps. He feels like he’s physically barricading himself, and if anymore emotions reared their head and started screaming he might just give in and let it overwhelm him. 

His chest hurts, his hands are shaking, and Rafael is right there, so close. Closer than he had been in three years. 

All he manages to get out is a coarse “Stay.” 

Rafael smiles sadly, taking the couple steps that separate them. Sonnys blue eyes are full of tears and hurt and yearning, and Rafael could get lost in them if he let himself. 

“...Not yet, Sonny.” 

He catches sight of the small tremor in Sonnys shoulders, and leans up onto his tip toes to press a small kiss to Sonny’s lips. He owed it to Sonny to say something this time. 

Sonny drops his briefcase as the dam breaks and everything floods him. His monsters run amuck as he brings his hands up to cradle Rafael’s face, stepping down onto the same step as him. He tilts his head back, pulling him impossibly closer. Rafael’s free hand bunches up the side of his coat. 

Everything he’s feeling, everything he’s felt since he left _pours_ from him and into the kiss, as he tries desperately stop the tears falling down his face. Tries not to think of how he can taste them on Rafaels lips and tries not to focus on the fact that Rafaels grip tightens at the taste of them. 

The kiss is a goodbye, the only one he’ll get this time, he knows. He knows Rafael will leave again after this case, knows he won’t tell him. It’s been three years but Sonnys still so hung up on him that he’ll take what he can get, even if it’s this messy, salty kiss on the steps of thier workplace. This kiss is all he’s gonna get for a while. Sonny knows this because Rafael is letting him deepen the kiss, letting him map out the inside of his mouth with his tongue right here on the steps. 

Rafael is doing this because despite both of them wanting to fix this mess Rafael made, Sonny’s not ready. He’s not ready to face the hurt and pain and grief that Rafael has caused him. But Rafael knows that Sonny needs something other than a verbal goodbye, that he needs this kiss, needs to take him apart and kiss him like this, in order to be able to start fixing it. 

Sonny pulls away and lets out a half sob half sigh, pressing their foreheads together. He runs his thumb across Rafaels cheekbone and licks his lips, having to resist the urge to chase the taste of coffee on Rafaels lips. 

“I... I want to be ready.” He murmurs, eyes squeezed shut. Rafael smiles, pressing one more quick kiss to his lips. 

“But you’re not.” He whispers, “Not yet. 

Sonny shakes his head, agreeing with him. He lets his hands fall, his thumb dancing across Rafael’s bottom lip, and leans down to grab his briefcase. 

He still tastes the coffee, and the tears still slowly falling down his cheeks, but he can also taste something that so unmistakably Rafael that makes his stomach churn. He turns, taking a deep breath, and continues down the stairs, leaving Rafael behind him. 

Amanda’s waiting for him in the car, and she frowns at the tears. “You alright?” 

“No.” Sonny answers. And he wasn’t. 

Walking away from Rafael, from everything he’d ever wanted, was one of the hardest things he’s ever done. Even after all these years, after everything that’s happened, Rafael was still the only place Sonny felt safe enough to let his big bad emotions out. 

Now, he had to learn to keep his big ugly monsters that people called emotions in check himself, because Rafael wasn’t going to be able to help him this time.

**Author's Note:**

> barisi canon so you know i had to write a fic


End file.
